Solemn Late Summer Musings

Though this is a fun and light blog, ofc, I will also not stray from sharing the thoughts buried in my notes... human are multifaceted beings and I am no exception. And acceptance of all sides of yourself, I have learnt, is the best and possibly only way to truly live with yourself, befriend yourself, and love yourself. 

23:45

Sometimes I look at myself and I don't see anyone. Anything.

I can’t seem to be able to see anything showing passionately in my face, like a path, a road. The longer I look the less I see too. And I look at myself thinking, and hoping, something will be revealed to me by my own eyes. And yet I am directionless. 

So, maybe I am a blank slate? Maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe that’s what people want to see. Endless possibilities, and with that opportunities. A fig tree. But I don’t think I want that. I already know my fig tree (contradictory, yes), and that's the problem. I already know my interests and hobbies and what I start but never seem to finish. But maybe the size of my tree has become so large that it's fallen, or grown so far with no one to pick a fig that they have all turned rotten. I am paralysed by possibilities, that I end up having none.

Am I at that point in life when I want something stable, secure? When my interests can no longer sustain me, as the weight of expectations drain me? 

And so I look at myself, and see no answer. How humbling, not being able to give myself my own answer. What good am I for? I am buried under shadows with no end, no light - no answer. When will I have an answer. Does anyone ever? 

They must, it seems so easy to others. Like an equation (I was always bad at maths). My faults continue to discredit me. 

I used to look at myself and see… so much. So much hope, so many paths, so much potential. The world was mine to take on, to play with, like a child with their hands in the sand. Now I see a quiet emptiness that, somehow, few people around me understand. The weight of my desire; I wish to have a path, to know that path, and have the courage to pursue it. To see it all before me and begin the journey. To skip and smile with every step and feel true alignment with every choice, because I’m on my path. I will try.