The Witching Hour

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blog/wardrobe update!

Though my ideas and to-do list for this blog are never ending, we have an update! Started as a widget (thank u clueless for the idea too), then a page for more control and options, and now a mini social pinterest thing vibe thing!

You can now share your outfit creations in the comments, and it'll show up as it's own collage on the board! I was testing it, so a couple of mine are already up :p 

I would love to see your creations, so please feel free to share <3

Of course, I plan to continuously add more and more items, and my next idea is possibly grouping outfits into seasons... or vibes (like my listening)... though I haven't decided. If you think one would work best, or have a different idea, don't be shy and lmk!

I think that's all for now, happy styling!

The goodness of my soul will save me

I think this a lot. As a human who has not had many traumatic things happen, health wise, I am naive and hopeful. I believe that I am protected by the universe and my own sheer will and my body’s understanding. 

I am silly, of course. But how much does thinking this actually change things? Can we believe something so hard that we change the will of the way? Is this not the basis of various things, such as manifestation for example? I am well, so I am well. 

And yet this is differing from my usual train of thought. 

The goodness of my soul will save me. 

I have done bad things, but I am not a bad person. Those who see that and understand that and love that will stay. That is all I need to know. I know that my soul is good, that it is exploratory by nature, that it is sensitive and gentle, that it is wild and colourful. I love my soul, and my soul loves me (I hope others see my soul as I do). And yet this disconnect happens from somewhere other than this place of mutual love. 

I don’t believe anyone can fully squash ego. It is human nature after all. But befriending it, and sometimes disciplining it like a rambunctious child, may be a way to co exist. Peacefully. 

It has taken me years to accept my self as a human, mistakes and flaws and all. Sometimes I falter, but I look back at how I punished myself and I shake my head at myself, although I shouldn’t, as she didn’t know any better either. 

Is the belief of a good soul enough? 

the middle of october

 Hi all, 

The wardrobe is up! Needs adjusting but you get the gist for now hehe 

A short check-in from me. I've been spending my weekend with my loving and perfect boyfriend, just basking in the warmth of love and safety. The journey here is about four hours all together and it isn't usually too bad, probably due to the excitement of arriving. The way back however is a slow, excruciating hell of having to leave and accept I am going back to my dead, love-less, monotonous days. I am putting off this return for a couple more days.

I began reading East of Eden months ago, and stopped reading as I do most books, but the recent show has given me the push to try to read again, and i'm enjoying it a lot! Read many pages on the train, it was a nice ride. I love to look out the window when I travel, trying to peek into people's homes (not in a creepy way i promise), stare at the rolling green and passing clouds, letting my thoughts drift along with them. 

My days are still being crippled by the endless question of 'what do i do?'. A question that is so wide that I cannot see any point of entry, and therefore exit. I think the life I am looking for is not entirely possible with the way this world is built, and so I must bend to the will of the world in some form or another. Part of this ongoing question may be (definitely) due to my constant self loathing, lack of trust and belief in myself, impossible perfectionism, and general crippling fear of everyone and everything, myself included. Sometimes I think I am so impossible that there must be something chemically wrong with me. It would be nice to gain some advice on this, and at the same time, no one can do it but myself, it is all up to me, and sometimes that feels so very hard. I just hope to enjoy the job and life I lead, yet it feels so out of reach... do I believe I even deserve this life? 

But. We cannot sit and stare at our wounds forever. So I will try to brush off these thoughts and feelings, and continue slowly through. I guess? 

Oh I also finally got my filofax, something I posted about on tiktok hehe. I LOVE it; it's pink and wrapped with lace bow, with charms and photos and the works. This should surely improve my life and cause me to become a real working human, right?

mine's pink though

I hope to write soon.

xo       ᥫ᭡.

Nostalgia teases and taunts

 The growing pain of nostalgia in a constantly modernising world. 

These were the only words written in my notes which I clearly meant to get back to but never did, so I shall return to them now. 

In a conversation today, I was thinking back and talking about how I was as a child.

I was a fairly loud child, always putting on performances, singing, dancing, taking on the stage of life (and my living room) as my own. I would sit with my parents and ask/ order "give me something to draw, tell me what to draw". I would watch art attack and immediately attempt to make my own craft, and I remember a lot of paper mache, but I don't remember anything actually made of paper mache. I made little fairy houses and wished upon a shooting star to see a fairy. I thought it was cool to like blue, but too basic to say just blue, so I would settle on 'midnight blue' and "no its like a really dark bright specific shade of blue actually". I was smart and I studied hard, the smartest in my class really (thanks to my mother that put me through awful extra lessons so I could get into a good school). I didn't like getting into trouble and I always followed the rules. At the same time, I was 'mature for my age' and would silently shake my head when people would talk down to me. I indulged in play of course, but would also think it was silly when others took it too seriously? And on top of that, I always had big big emotions, and would feel very angry and cry a lot. What a wonderful package!

I loved secret little spaces of my own. I actually wanted my own 'cupboard under the stairs', I wanted my own tiny little corner of the garden, or my own special spot in the park, or a secret little den out around the neighbourhood, or a tiny little treehouse decorated perfectly to my liking and that was all mine (I blame the american movies for that one). Curling up into a tiny, private corner of my own was my dream. Basically I realised that I've actually never really wanted to be seen, and I've always valued my peace and my privacy. I was loud, yes, but also internally I was very quiet. It was awkward for me to share things with people, my parents included, and especially those in positions of authority (fear of authority, always following the rules.. you get it). For a while, I thought that I had become a completely different person as I've grown up, but I think I've been this way all along. The classic nature vs nurture debate.

In a way I wonder, have I changed at all? 

I think I do well outwardly: I can be loud, talkative, bubbly, love a drink and a party, I socialise and make friends. And yet I still love my little tiny corner of privacy and peace. And, protection? Maybe years of tiny rejections and tiny belittlings has magnified what already lay there. As a child, it can be seen as endearing. As a teen, you're mean and quiet and never leave your room. And as an adult...? By the time you're an adult, you don't even need anyone to tell you. My own narration, built up of society, school, parents, friends and enemies, and my devil, labels me enough as it is. I don't like being asked personal questions by my parents, and it's hard for me to open up. Most of the time I am avoidant, and distant. I don't like being told what to do and I don't like feeling trapped, although I do that to myself a lot too. And though I hold these traits still (protective, quiet about my inner world, snappy), I like to think I hold the others still too (fun, creative, optimistic). It is hard when two such opposing sides are constantly at war with each other. But I like to think that the little girl that obsessed over fairies and crafts, and singing and dancing, smiles at me with proud and adoring eyes, and that I can do her justice even now, when I venture into that world within me. 

I realise this didn't have much to do with our constantly modernising world... but I will make a small relation now. 

Why oh why is it so difficult to have a real, genuine friendship nowadays? With our phones that are glued to our hands, embedded in our very bodies, why is it so difficult for so called friends to respond to a single message? People moan and whine they want connection, and then don't do anything about it. Nothing changes if nothing changes! All I want is to stay up all night with my girls, talking about feelings and dreams and past and future and love and hate, like when I was a teenager. I miss the sense of sisterhood and girlhood, which is sorely lacking in my life right now. But nowadays my standards have sunk so far I'm just asking for a simple message. It's funny that I just spent two paragraphs moaning about how much I love being quiet, and now I'm writing about how much I just crave connection. 

A lot of us bloggers love these blogs because it helps us keep touch to a world that no longer really exists, a world that some never even lived through, or did but could never truly experience. Although these 2000s romcoms and whatnot are of course romanticised, it is still true that people were grabbing a drink spontaneously with a friend on a thursday night with little to no planning, and strolling through the park in the morning before their day started. And I realise you can have this life now of course, but it is made much, much harder. 

My childhood wasn't necessarily easy, but I don't want to take off my rose coloured glasses. I love the soft yellow hum around those memories, even though they make my chest ache. Maybe childhood was so special because of this lack of technology I think; it was at the perfect brink. When there were the 'essentials', like a brick phone, an old blocky google, and a camera, but it hadn't advanced to a point of this constant, hammering, blue light and code zipping through our brains. Back when people still felt real, and seemed to care about the life in front of them. One day maybe I will look at this time fondly too. But nothing will beat the true, pure childhood memories, that become fuzzier ever year. Maybe when I am an old woman, they will merely be a feeling. But I know they will be there. Because she is still there, and she continues to live on in me forever. 

If you read this far, thank you
xo  ᥫ᭡.

musings from my notes

Sharing more random pieces from my notes app...

Maybe hope exists after all

And maybe life is not a bleak endless journey of suffering and hate 

And maybe sometimes there is a little sunshine 

Or a little laughter 

Or, a little blueberry 

(I think I was eating a bowl of blueberries and I was happy about it)

Try if I might 

But I cannot shake the feeling of a winters day

In summer.

The storm in not present

No clouds roll by 

Yet my windows are misty

My hands are numb 

And the air chills 

I feel burdened by the weather,

And the world by me 

(I was having a bad day, feeling sorry for myself clearly)

Roses and candles 

What good are these things 

If I cannot share

In the happy memories 

Shunned like a bad dog 

(thinking about past failures and ruined relationships) 

My oh my, I'm cheery! Hope you enjoy reading my various moods 

xo   ᥫ᭡.

Haul Time

After days, I finally managed to leave the house, and ventured out into the world. (I should really take my own advice more often - ie. how to romanticise your life post).

I wore my pink shoes and coat, felt some sunlight, and looked people in the eyes. This trip really was mainly to find a filofax, but alas, I did not succeed. However! I perused some second hand shops and stationary, and found the BEST coat for winter. I'm so in love with it I just had to tell the world that yes, I did find the most wonderful coat. Now I can't wait for it to get colder!

It's pretty much this coat and it has a HOOD and POCKETS. Full fur on the inside too! It makes me feel so cosy, which is why I kind of got excited for Christmas, which is strange since I usually don't care too much for it. Yes it's a nice time but... but somehow the feeling this one coat gave me made me much more excited to be cold, cuddle up, drink hot chocolate and watch lots of Harry Potter. I also feel like it matches the vibe of my hair?

Here's the rest of my haul:

• 2 meters of white lace
• a white shirt with lots of frills (i feel like a hippie pirate in it I love it)
• a roll of pink ribbon
• two 0.2mm tip ink pens 
• moon and star charms 
• some botanical stickers
• 3 a5 notebooks
• one pumpkin spice candle (there's something to tick off the October list)
  
  

I'm also currently watching East of Eden, and I've accepted spoilers since I've actually been trying to read the book for a while... i'm a slow reader. My GOD Florence Pugh can do no wrong. I love that wonderful actress, and I have for years. I'm always excited for her new projects, and if she just sat and looked at the camera for an hour and a half, I would watch it. 

There's a little update from me. Till next time! 
xo   ᥫ᭡.

How to Make An Ordinary Day Feel Like a Movie

1. Make your morning the best morning

As soon as you wake up, do not go on your phone! Immediately play some upbeat, preferably 90s/2000s song, and get up. Smile at yourself. Stretch, dance a little, and get a delicious, hot cup of coffee. Take out your huge journal and dump everything on your mind whilst planning your day, and singing.

Open the curtains, let the morning light in and remind yourself today is a new little chapter.

2. Your signatures

Get ready even if there are no plans awaiting you. Wear your signature lipstick colour, spray your signature scent, and wear your signature jewellery. Revel in the scent and become transformed with every spritz.

Find little things that feel unmistakably you. Maybe a specific pair of gold hoops, a particular nail colour, the same ribbon in your hair, or the same perfume you've worn for years. Have your own tiny ritual that makes you feel like you. I have a gold necklace with a tiny crab on it that I never take off, it feels undoubtedly me! 

3. Leave the house

Wander around outside, with a bag full of journaling supplies, makeup and water. Even just locally, sit in a cafe. People watch, take in the sky and feel the breeze. Have a chat with the barista, and compliment the old man sitting near you. Ask people questions, and smile often.

You don't need an exciting destination; the point is to become a person who is out in the world. Take the long way home, browse a charity shop, and sit in a park. Go into a bookshop you've never visited. Buy a single flower from the supermarket. Your town becomes much more interesting when you stop treating it like somewhere you're simply passing through (something I am currently trying to practice).

Just make plans with yourself. It doesn't have to be an important occasion. In fact, it is better if it isn't. Sometimes the best way to make your life feel exciting is to stop waiting for something exciting to happen.

4. Carry your own little world with you

Have a bag that makes you feel prepared for anything.

A notebook with our favourite pen. Lipstick. Headphones. A book. A little perfume. Tissues. Water. Maybe a camera. Perhaps something completely unnecessary but delightful nonetheless. A random thimble? An acorn? A lucky starburst? 

Your bag should feel like a tiny extension of your personality, a portable mini you!

5. Make ordinary things beautiful

• Light a candle while you answer emails 

• Put your dinner on a proper plate

• Drink your coffee from the cup you usually save for guests

• Wear the nice underwear! 

• Take the scenic route

• Open the windows

• Cook something you've never made before

• Wear that special, expensive perfume or lipstick

There is no prize for saving all the beautiful things for a life that hasn't happened yet.

6. Romanticise the in-between

Some of the most cinematic moments happen when nothing particularly important is happening. Romanticise as MUCH as you can.Rain against the bus window, duh, you're in a music video. Sitting on your bedroom floor choosing an outfit, washing your hair while singing terribly, and etting ready for a night out you’re in a movie!

Don't rush through these parts because you're waiting for the real part of your life to begin. This is all the real part. And we need to treat every moment as if it’s special, because it is. 

7. Do something slightly spontaneous

Say yes to something you would normally overthink.

Try a new class, buy the ridiculous earrings, go dancing, change your hair parting, pick a film you've never heard of, or get on a train and explore a nearby town. Not every spontaneous decision has to become a life-changing story, sometimes it can simply become a funny Tuesday, and the small moments can surprise you!

8. Collect evidence that you were here

Take photographs, but not only of yourself. I take photos of EVERYTHING. Photograph the strange building you walked past, your coffee, a beautiful window, the sky at 6pm. Your friend's cute outfit and shoes (preferably candid when she’s not looking). The flowers outside someone's house, bonus if there’s a cat. 

Keep little scraps: save cinema tickets, press flowers between the pages of your journal… it doesn’t have to impressive, or glamorous, it just has to be you. Proof you are here, proof that squashed any doubts you have about yourself, whether that’s ‘not interesting enough’, ‘not fun enough’, ‘not creative enough’. You are YOU!

9. Have a soundtrack

Every good day, alas, life, needs a soundtrack.

Make playlists for specific versions of yourself: getting dressed, Sunday morning, driving at night, falling in love, walking around town, cooking dinner, crying dramatically in the shower. And actually listen to them. Connect memories to these songs, and use them to inspire more. Music has a strange ability to make you feel as though you're already inside the life you're trying to create.

10. Come home to yourself

At the end of the day, turn the lights down, put your phone away and take a few minutes to come back to yourself.

Make tea, put on something comfortable, and JOURNAL. Write down what happened that day, even the tiny things. What made you laugh? What caught your attention? Who did you speak to? What did you enjoy? What are you looking forward to tomorrow?

And maybe the real secret to making an ordinary life feel like a film is not pretending everything is perfect, but becoming curious enough to notice how beautiful it already is.

Remember Stay curious, stay mindful, and stay grateful. Love yourself, others, and your life. xo ᥫ᭡.

The Softening of Autumn