50!

Quick one here:
I don't usually keep track of numbers but I just realised there are 50 whole people on here and on my tiktok and that's just wonderful! Thank you to you all, who decided you like what I put out there enough to follow, and more importantly, interact. I appreciate all the love and interest, for something that I've put all of me into. I love having a little community of like-minded people; it feels so special. My favourite time of day is being able to play around with my blog and write without a filter and read your blogs and message you <3 To writing, to inspiration, to romanticisation, respect, to community, to growing, and to the future :)

(also you may have seen i did some more lil thingsss, there's now a winter theme for the cold months ahead, and i added more pics and a link to my tt at the bottom hehe. also ive now logged 1000 movies!!! thought that was p cool)

pretend we're all having a wonderful tea party and sharing this cake
it's raspberry not strawberry
yes there's enough for 50 don't worry

here's your seat too :)

and this is the centrepiece :)

playful pink

 

impossible violet

 

Rain pattered upon the window of the room I sat in;

You were here the year before,

Now I take your place alone.

Late at night with the dim glow of the lamp beside me,

I rose and moved towards the window.

I unlatched the old European lock, and pushed them open softly.

A wave of pure bliss and peace ran through me:

the sky was a collision of lilacs and plums,

the rain heavy but soft,

the thunder melodically rumbled in the distance,

and the lightning lit the world as though it were day again.

It was brighter than any I’d seen before, moving in impossible formations throughout the sky. It illuminated the entire landscape in an almost blinding white, and great branching veins fractured the darkness.

The rain caressed the leaves of the fruit trees in the garden, and they swayed beneath the weight, their leaves glistening like glass.

The heavens above me - I could not take my eyes away - purple like no purple existed before. A thousand shades must have bled together. I wondered whether such a colour could even exist anywhere outside that moment.

I stayed here for some moments, my hand perched on the sill as I leaned forward,

so that I could drink, drown, in the beauty I was witnessing.

Even now, I am close to tears, remembering the utter astonishment I felt at the world.

How am I alive? How am I witnessing this perfectly impossible moment? How can there be so much beauty in the world? And I am a part of it?

After years of pain, I was renewed.

I had never felt so fortunate to be alive.

The universe was speaking to me, and I was listening,

like a child hanging onto every word of a bedtime story.

And I got the most perfect moment I have ever experienced.

monkey monkey underpants

I thought about how I should scrapbook more and then how I’ve been writing a lot on my laptop recently and should start writing physically again then I thought about writing on the train and oo what if the person next to me sees then I thought about how I got out my folifax when I was last on the train then I thought about planning then I thought omg tax omg dentist then I thought omg fun plans at the end of November I thought oo Christmas oo red lipstick then I thought wait I’m meant to be sleeping gosh why so many thoughts then I thought of another thing to write then I was like god shush go sleep actually I should really stick a sheet of paper on my wall next to my bed for times like these then I thought monkey monkey underpants and then I thoughts hey I’ll just make this a blog post. Now I’m writing it down. Ok going back to sleep.

why does my brain never stop when i try to go to sleep? but during the day i feel as if it is slightly numbed. i love the night for this, it is a shame we need sleep. im making a game. i love you lorelai gilmore. i relate to her a lot, though i wish i had her drive. 

i have so many things im doing and wants to do. 

• i want to have folders on my pages for this blog. 
• i want to make a winter theme. 
• ive been writing more 'poetry'. (literally just writing i don’t know why im calling it poetry)
•  im doing more creative projects. 
• i want to learn to crotchet.  
• i should start sewing and upcyling again. 
• i should carry on writing my book.
• and im making a game too.

the list really does go on! 

i've been wondering how and what to share on here, like i would love to make little character profiles for my book to share, but also im not a writer so why am i 'writing' a book?

i would loveeee to share my game on here so you can all play it and test it with me, tell me what you like and don't like, if there's any problems or inconsistencies i havent spotted, but im also not a game developer so why am i making a game? 

i also like to think well im just a person, who's doing things and making things, just for fun, and im just existing, and there's nothing really wrong with that. screw the labels and the overthinking, im having fun! im enjoying my time getting all the stuff up in my head out into this reality, and that should be good enough! 

anyway here's a little look at my game, which is taking forever to make. its an old-vibe pixelated cosy game, where nearly everything is clickable and theres collections to find for all the scenes, plus special gold cards. there's different residents in which you have to complete little tasks for, adn everyone 5 stories; more unlock as you move through the game. finding collection and completing tasks gains you decor for your own fawn home, to decorate how you like. its just a chill cozy game, no time limit, no lives, just vibes. 

write a menu: make sure it is outrageously true to you

I made a menu based on the prompt, for fun :)

am i my mother

(written late at night, in the car, drunk)

I look across the table and see the same laugh, the same smile lines, and the same mannerisms I've known since I was a child. 

I listen as she cracks jokes, trying to impress others. She’s as she always has been. In a way, she has never changed since I’ve known her, since I was born. 

And yet I watch her look out the window at the ink-black sky and the speeding, blurred light outside, and I wonder what she’s thinking. I wonder if she has her moment, like me, like us; does her whole life suddenly come back to her in a flash, or is she thinking of nothing at all, or is she thinking about her late father, or is she thinking about her home and warm bed? 

Did she just rub her head because she wishes she was a child again, or does she just wish she didn’t see her own mother tonight? 

Is she impatient? Is she uncomfortable? 

I really know nothing about her. Sometimes I sit next to her, and all I want is an approving smile, a motherly hug and an ‘I’m so proud of you’, instead of a ‘why did you do what, what’s that for, that doesn’t do anything for you or your future, what’s the point, are you ever gonna do anything, you never do anything, are you ever gonna do anything with your life’. Why doesn't she like me anymore?

And sometimes I look at her and, not from the present, but I think back to my childhood (apart from a lot of things I don’t want to remember). I think of the time we were at Disneyland Paris, and we would stand in all the hugely long queues, and she would have a bag packed full of drinks and snacks, and would be trying to chat or complain about the queue or the park to spark conversation. Or when we would visit famous English castles, and it would be a ‘day out ’, and I like to imagine how proud she was to come from such a low country to now have her own family and life in her dream city since she was a child herself, to have children of her own, and to be able to take them to all these wonderful places she never got to go to, due to her own awful mother. I see her, I recognise her, I know her as her own person, I do. I'm proud of her though I never say so, and I understand her though I never say so. 

And I feel so guilty, I really do. And this isn’t about me, I promise. But all my writing comes back to me because why wouldn't it? It's my life and perspective, right? 

I hate myself for not being able to be kinder to my mother.  

5.11.26

A thank you to my love and inspiration for the switch of themes - https://bratwiththemostcake.blogspot.com/ <3 She's the best, and everyone should follow her to have her refreshing and punchy sprinkle in their lives. 

Recent listenings:

• sister golden hair - america 
• listen to the music - the doobie brothers 
• ventura highway - america 
• only a fool would say that - steely dan 
• 50 ways to leave your lover - paul simon 
• message in a bottle - the police 
• just what i needed - the cars 

Also since I haven't said, and if you don't know me from it, I have tiktok too lol! its @thepassinghour. I'd love to see you come say hi! 

In general, I love to connect with people, so please always feel free to say hello! Tell me if you love these songs too, recommend your own, whatever you want! 

the end of october

I have been hungover since Halloween. I still don't think I've fully recovered. I was Lara Croft though and I looked good, at least. But damn London is so busy, so it wasn't quite the night that was planned.

I also realised I guess I don't speak about things generally about me, so I've started a running list on my Me page which I'll update whenever I think of something else about myself. 

I'm not sure if this has coincided with the winter blues or the post-bf depression too. I'm feeling pretty directionless and hopeless in life right now. What will I ever do for a career? Who will take me? Why do I have to work? I want money. I have plans, but no money. 

I had one of those days where everything was nothing. I couldn't go my phone, couldn't watch a movie, couldn't draw... but somehow I managed to stick on a chick flick, and I forgot how healing they can be. And the movie was...

What A Girl Wants! With the legend Colin Firth and poor Amanda Bynes. 

A very cringey yet very fun movie that made me enjoy life for a little. London rep woo. It's one that I'd been meaning to watch for ages as a big Amanda (and Colin ofc) fan but never had. And as most of us here are big 2000's fans, it's one to put on your list if you haven't watched; it brings the VIBES.

I guess there's one good thing about my sad day. Hope yours was better! kisses