The Last Day of September

Lavender incense lit, candles lit, clean room, hair braided, fresh nails (I went for burgundy), and fresh sheets. A perfect evening and the perfect time to plan for October!

 

September has been pretty good to me, minus the recent illness. Half of it was spent away in Italy, enjoying the sun, the occasional thunderstorm, and the sea. Lake Garda is a beauty! I marvel at old buildings and wish modern architecture wasn't so sharp, cold and dull. In another life I like to think I'm some kind of architect or interior designer, but in this one, alas, I am not. The job market and hunt is a big pain nowadays, i mean really what has this world come to?! I wish to exist as a ball of light and never have another worry or another thought about money, deadlines etc etc etc... but getting a real job is going on the October list.

I took a moment on the top floor to watch the most gorgeous sunset today; nothing particularly colourful or special, but it has been a long time since I've stopped to stare. My camera roll is usually filled with pictures of sunsets, flashes of oranges and pinks as you scroll through. This one had a lot of blue, and the sun hadn't quite gotten to the horizon, so there was bright yellow and softer haze like a halo around it. It dappled the few clouds in the sky a powdered pink, and I spotted two tiny planes in the distance. I like the view up there, I feel very small, and the world very large. I think that has become one of my favourite feelings. A reminder that there is so much world out there, and that I should see more of it. Appreciating the sunset is going on my October list too. Either taking a moment, or walking to the tallest hill and watching it all the way through. I have missed this connection with the sky. 

Anxiety takes a toll a lot - some with reason and some without. I've forgotten how to be present in a way. One of my favourite quotes/ saying is "No amount of guilt can solve the past, and no amount of anxiety can change the future." I promise myself to be more present in October, more grateful and appreciative, and just breath more. To notice the changing of the season in the moment, to smell each candle, to feel every hot bath. I will not let my mind and the future get the better of me, and that is on the October list! 

This is how it goes with me: I remember all my healthy habits and hobbies, I rebrand, I make a plan to start doing them, I succeed for a day or two, and I fall back to my natural state. It is very difficult to change a natural state! And maybe that is my problem for even stating that in the first place. If I do not believe in myself, who will? If I do not cause change, who will? I guess... taking accountability is on the list too. I am too awful at consistency and dedication though... oh dear! 

Lets recap the October list, and add a few:

• find a real job
• watch the sunsets
• be present and grateful
• take accountability 
• trust myself
• buy more candles :)
• get more autumnal scents 
• learn more, less screen time, more hobbies
• write and write and write 
• reach 1000 movies watched (I'm excited for this one as it's soon!)
• express myself with more colours, patterns and textures in my outfits 
• get out the house more, even when its cold 
• (and maybe drink less)

I believe that concludes my braindump on the end of September and start of October. I'm sure I will have more to say soon. 

xo  ᥫ᭡.

Solemn Late Summer Musings

Though this is a fun and light blog, ofc, I will also not stray from sharing the thoughts buried in my notes... human are multifaceted beings and I am no exception. And acceptance of all sides of yourself, I have learnt, is the best and possibly only way to truly live with yourself, befriend yourself, and love yourself. 

23:45

Sometimes I look at myself and I don't see anyone. Anything.

I can’t seem to be able to see anything showing passionately in my face, like a path, a road. The longer I look the less I see too. And I look at myself thinking, and hoping, something will be revealed to me by my own eyes. And yet I am directionless. 

So, maybe I am a blank slate? Maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe that’s what people want to see. Endless possibilities, and with that opportunities. A fig tree. But I don’t think I want that. I already know my fig tree (contradictory, yes), and that's the problem. I already know my interests and hobbies and what I start but never seem to finish. But maybe the size of my tree has become so large that it's fallen, or grown so far with no one to pick a fig that they have all turned rotten. I am paralysed by possibilities, that I end up having none.

Am I at that point in life when I want something stable, secure? When my interests can no longer sustain me, as the weight of expectations drain me? 

And so I look at myself, and see no answer. How humbling, not being able to give myself my own answer. What good am I for? I am buried under shadows with no end, no light - no answer. When will I have an answer. Does anyone ever? 

They must, it seems so easy to others. Like an equation (I was always bad at maths). My faults continue to discredit me. 

I used to look at myself and see… so much. So much hope, so many paths, so much potential. The world was mine to take on, to play with, like a child with their hands in the sand. Now I see a quiet emptiness that, somehow, few people around me understand. The weight of my desire; I wish to have a path, to know that path, and have the courage to pursue it. To see it all before me and begin the journey. To skip and smile with every step and feel true alignment with every choice, because I’m on my path. I will try.

The Last Sun

Hello! Welcome to my little corner of the internet °༺❤︎༻°

I’ve spent a lot of my life being a constant dreamer. I have ideas all the time; little projects, stories, things I want to make, places I want to go, versions of myself I want to become. My mind is usually about ten steps ahead of where I actually am.

The problem is... I’m not always very good at the doing part.

So, I decided I was tired of having a head full of things that only ever existed there. I wanted to take some of those ideas and actually put them somewhere. Make them real, and give them a little home.

And that’s how FAWN came about ᵕ̈

FAWN is my attempt to bring together all the things I’m endlessly curious about, including creativity, self-discovery, style, interiors, films, music, little everyday pleasures, and all the strange and beautiful things that make up a life.

Think part journal, part magazine, part moodboard, part collection of things I love. A place to experiment, make things, write things down, collect inspiration and, hopefully, remind myself that I don’t have to wait until everything is perfect before I begin.

Because maybe that’s what FAWN is really about.

Beginning, and becoming. 

Making something from all the little scraps and pieces, and always trying things just because they interest you... letting yourself change your mind and becoming someone new without needing to have the whole person figured out first.

Consider this the beginning of something... well, I have no idea exactly where it’s going yet - but I think that’s rather the point!

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