the middle of october

 Hi all, 

The wardrobe is up! Needs adjusting but you get the gist for now hehe 

A short check-in from me. I've been spending my weekend with my loving and perfect boyfriend, just basking in the warmth of love and safety. The journey here is about four hours all together and it isn't usually too bad, probably due to the excitement of arriving. The way back however is a slow, excruciating hell of having to leave and accept I am going back to my dead, love-less, monotonous days. I am putting off this return for a couple more days.

I began reading East of Eden months ago, and stopped reading as I do most books, but the recent show has given me the push to try to read again, and i'm enjoying it a lot! Read many pages on the train, it was a nice ride. I love to look out the window when I travel, trying to peek into people's homes (not in a creepy way i promise), stare at the rolling green and passing clouds, letting my thoughts drift along with them. 

My days are still being crippled by the endless question of 'what do i do?'. A question that is so wide that I cannot see any point of entry, and therefore exit. I think the life I am looking for is not entirely possible with the way this world is built, and so I must bend to the will of the world in some form or another. Part of this ongoing question may be (definitely) due to my constant self loathing, lack of trust and belief in myself, impossible perfectionism, and general crippling fear of everyone and everything, myself included. Sometimes I think I am so impossible that there must be something chemically wrong with me. It would be nice to gain some advice on this, and at the same time, no one can do it but myself, it is all up to me, and sometimes that feels so very hard. I just hope to enjoy the job and life I lead, yet it feels so out of reach... do I believe I even deserve this life? 

But. We cannot sit and stare at our wounds forever. So I will try to brush off these thoughts and feelings, and continue slowly through. I guess? 

Oh I also finally got my filofax, something I posted about on tiktok hehe. I LOVE it; it's pink and wrapped with lace bow, with charms and photos and the works. This should surely improve my life and cause me to become a real working human, right?

mine's pink though

I hope to write soon.

xo       ᥫ᭡.